New Rutgers Review Article

Hey, blog readers out there. Zipperface!!?! went absolutely wonderfully the past two weekends. I can't begin to say how happy I am with it. So happy that, even though the show closed, it might not be the end of the good ol' Zip. I'll do a write up of the performances and everything sometime soon (probably around the same time I finally write my Europe entries...) but, until then, here's my most recent article in the Review. Not my best but whatever.

Dear Jon,
The summer’s coming up and I’ve gotten a really great internship. Unfortunately they’re not paying me anything and I need to get a real job as well. I’ve had a lot of crappy jobs in the past and I was looking for something more fulfilling this year. Any ideas?
Samantha, RC ‘10

Ah, the summer job; they’re the perfect way to spend your break working hard to pay for the thing you’re breaking from.
Last year, I had an incredibly fulfilling summer job. I worked at an old folks home and there was just something really special about helping out these senior citizens and listening to all the wisdom they had tom impart. Unfortunately, I got that job more by court order than by application, so it’s really not going to help you.
All of my other jobs were absolutely terrible and soul crushing but I’ll tell you about them anyway. Because that’s how healing happens.
You could always be a camp counselor. Guiding children through their formative years can be fulfilling. Persuading the counselor of girl’s bunk 3 to give you a hand job in a canoe can be even more fulfilling. However, camp counselors get paid absolute jack. I know when I worked at a Jewish day camp, my bosses paid me nothing. And you know why that was…
Because the economy was bad.
Working in a restaurant will get you paid more but it will also lead to you working horrible hours and getting yelled at nonstop by douche bags. NOTE TO RESTAURANT-GOERS OF THE WORLD: someone is bringing you your food does not make you royalty of some kind. It just makes you a fat asshole at a Macaroni Grill who feels the need to make my life a living hell just because the wait took five fucking minutes longer than we said and who needs to choke to death while eating his stupid fucking Create-Your-Own Pasta.
I’m sorry to tell you this, but the only way you can make money and help an appreciative clientele, is to become a drug dealer. Aside from the legal qualms, it’s the most fulfilling job around. And all the cash is under the table!
On that note, if anyone’s looking for an eighth of a “product” that “lasts” about four to six hours and rhymes with “push brooms”, give me a call.

Hey, reader! Has life gotten you down? Is there some little thing eating at the back of your mind in the middle of the night? Would you like to publish your problems in a public forum so that you can get advice from a complete stranger? Then write to Ask Jon at advicejon@gmail.com
He’ll fix your shit!