Final Ask Jon Article for the Rutgers Review

I'll take a break from the Hijinks Countdown to post the article I wrote for the last Rutgers Review of the year. I even got a mention on the cover this time! It says, "ASK JON! Season Finale" which I absolutely love. Cheers to whoever wrote that.
The article itself may be a series finale actually. While I still plan on writing for the Review next year, I might want to branch out and write something else. I initially thought of killing off Jon in the article, but that was hard to do while writing in the first person and besides, you never know, I might bring him back next year.
Anyway, here's the article. I feel like it's a fitting (maybe) end to the series and character.

ASK JON!

Dear Jon,
Where does an advice columnist go for advice?
Ben, SAS ‘11

I received this question a few months ago and put it in the back of the proverbial pile because, to be honest, I thought it was a stupid question. I thought that I didn’t need advice; that I had all the answers. Then, recently, I realized how wrong I was. I didn’t have all the answers. In fact, I was lost. And Ben’s question wasn’t stupid because, like the old saying says, there are no stupid questions. “Stupidity” is an extreme and we all must stay away from extremes.
What am I talking about? Well, I’m glad you asked. A couple of weeks ago, I was in the city when a kind woman introduced me to the truth; the truth of Researchanism.
The Church of Researchanism is a group founded by the great prophet Bradley S. Altford, who was able to discover the path to true spiritual freedom. He learned that human beings are trapped in their obsession with the extremes of black and white. Only when we follow the path to the gray will we be able to reach the pinnacle we were always meant to be at.
I now must tell you, gentle reader, some bad news. Because of my newfound journey to the Even Keel, I must step down as the advice columnist for the Rutgers Review. I can not help people with their problems. Only the church can help them and, as of yet, I am only a Level Two Researchanist.
If, over the course of the summer, you need to ask a question of me, you will be able to find me at my new job, giving color exams at the Researchanist kiosk at local malls on weekends. However, for real help, please visit the Researchanist website where you can order many wonderful books and DVDs.
Goodbye to you, my beautiful readers. I have greatly enjoyed reading your questions and offering my humble advice. May you follow the Rites of the Great Kazuul and live a life of Gray.

Sincerely,
Jonathan Starshine