Special Valentines Day Rutgers Review Article!

For the past semester, I've been writing a regular advice column for the Rutgers Review along with drawing the occasional cartoon.

Unfortunately, the Review has about the same readership as this blog (basically, I read it and that's it) so I'm going to start posting my articles up here as well in the hope's that someone might actually look at them and because it's an easy way to fill space.

The latest article (to appear in this week's issue) is another installment of Advice by Jon, my advice column. This week, "Jon" (who's opinions usually don't actually connect with the real Jon writing them) helps a poor soul who's alone on Valentines Day. Enjoy!

Advice by Jon

Dear Jon,
It’s Valentines Day again and I’m single…again. How can I fix this?
Glen, RC ‘08

Ah, Valentines Day; the deadly black mark weighing down the calendars of many, many single students. It’s kind of like seasonal allergies. Every year you hope it doesn’t come but, every year, there it is and you’re forced to take a bunch of pills until it goes away.

Most people think Valentines Day is the most romantic holiday of the year. This is wrong. A real romantic holiday is something like New Years or Halloween where people are festive and partying and new romance can bloom. There’s no new romance on Valentines Day. It’s just a day for old couples to lord it over single people so that they can pretend to feel good about only being allowed to screw one person. And thus, everyone else gets to feel depressed.

I, on the other hand, never get depressed. That’s probably because I get with mad ladies (like literally though, angry women). And if I don’t have a special lady at the moment, I just wait for one of my single ex-girlfriends to get depressed about their Valentinelessness and call me up to arrange a time to “talk” and “catch up”*.

But what can you do, Glen, to solve your mid-February depression. Easy! Take those lemons and make some sweet lemonade (preferably pink lemonade to be holiday appropriate). What do I mean? Use the depression to your advantage!

Just think, for every depressed single guy out there this Valentines Day, there’s also a depressed single girl. You just need to get these depressed single people together. And how do you do that? Throw a party! You can call it the “Screw Valentines Day (and Possibly Someone Else As Well) Party”! Sure, the next morning, that house will be filled with more regrets than the post-Super Bowl Patriots locker room, but you’ll be feeling good. Just remember these magic words: “I’ve got an early class” and you’ll be fine. Take that, Cupid!

So there you have it, Glen; the surefire way to have a great Valentines Day while still being single. But, next year, try not to get in this mess again. You know that pretty girl in your Psyche class you’re always talking to. Ask her out. Like really ask her out. Nothing’s gonna happen unless you do. I just don’t think your thinly veiled flirtations over text messages are getting the point across. Sorry.

*In this case, “talk” stands for “sex” and “catch up” stands for “a specific type of sex they probably wouldn’t have done when we were actually dating”.


Hey, reader! Has life gotten you down? Is there some little thing eating at the back of your mind in the middle of the night? Would you like to publish your problems in a public forum so that you can get advice from a complete stranger? Then write to Advice by Jon at advicejon@gmail.com
He’ll fix your shit!