Super Secret Career Opportunities

So I was going to the grocery store to buy three loaves of Wonder Bread today (there's a reason, although I suppose it's a story for another entry) and I decided to stop by McDonalds, an establishment I frequent because I love the taste and I hate my body.

As I'm sitting there, munching on my fries, I hear Don Henley's classic "The Boys of Summer" come on the radio. I'm enjoying it and it's about to come to the first chorus when, all of a sudden, the music cuts out. Apparently, McDonalds does this thing in their restaurants where they break into the music playing with recorded advertisements for new specials and stuff. They do this about once a song and it's incredibly annoying if it's music you like and, besides, it's kind of stupid because, if you're relaxing and listening to the McDonalds radio, chances are you've already bought your meal anyway.

However, they played this ad that has to be one of the most bat-shit crazy things I've ever heard. I swear to God this is what it said (in a ridiculously cheesey voice, of course):

"You'd be surprised how many famous and successful people have started out working at McDonalds. Actors, athletes, politicians, businessmen, they all started their careers here. Is there a coincidence? We'd tell you, but half the fun is disovering it for yourself!"

Oh my God.

Can we just think about what this is implying? They are basically saying that there may be some kind of secret organization (probably something along the lines of The Skulls at Yale) that creates amazing opportunities for McDonalds employees in literally any career path they choose.
Want to star in the new Indiana Jones movie? No problem, Dave the manager will send word to Spielberg. Want to be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Just ask and we'll get Ronald McDonald himself to personally call Donald Trump on your behalf. Just make sure you mop up the crapper first. Someone puked up a McFish.

That is just so deranged, I absolutely love it!

Anyway, to make a long story short, the ad ended and the song came back on and it turned out not to be Don Henley but just some shitty cover and I was disappointed.
Then I went and bought Wonder Bread.

The end.



P.S. I googled Steven Spielberg to make sure I had his name spelled right up above because I'm an idiot and I noticed that the first entry says "Books by Steven Spielberg" and then just lists all the books he has made movies based on, thus implying that he actually wrote them. I think it would be great if I lived in a world where Steven Spielberg wrote The Color Purple.