Final Ask Jon Article for the Rutgers Review

I'll take a break from the Hijinks Countdown to post the article I wrote for the last Rutgers Review of the year. I even got a mention on the cover this time! It says, "ASK JON! Season Finale" which I absolutely love. Cheers to whoever wrote that.
The article itself may be a series finale actually. While I still plan on writing for the Review next year, I might want to branch out and write something else. I initially thought of killing off Jon in the article, but that was hard to do while writing in the first person and besides, you never know, I might bring him back next year.
Anyway, here's the article. I feel like it's a fitting (maybe) end to the series and character.

ASK JON!

Dear Jon,
Where does an advice columnist go for advice?
Ben, SAS ‘11

I received this question a few months ago and put it in the back of the proverbial pile because, to be honest, I thought it was a stupid question. I thought that I didn’t need advice; that I had all the answers. Then, recently, I realized how wrong I was. I didn’t have all the answers. In fact, I was lost. And Ben’s question wasn’t stupid because, like the old saying says, there are no stupid questions. “Stupidity” is an extreme and we all must stay away from extremes.
What am I talking about? Well, I’m glad you asked. A couple of weeks ago, I was in the city when a kind woman introduced me to the truth; the truth of Researchanism.
The Church of Researchanism is a group founded by the great prophet Bradley S. Altford, who was able to discover the path to true spiritual freedom. He learned that human beings are trapped in their obsession with the extremes of black and white. Only when we follow the path to the gray will we be able to reach the pinnacle we were always meant to be at.
I now must tell you, gentle reader, some bad news. Because of my newfound journey to the Even Keel, I must step down as the advice columnist for the Rutgers Review. I can not help people with their problems. Only the church can help them and, as of yet, I am only a Level Two Researchanist.
If, over the course of the summer, you need to ask a question of me, you will be able to find me at my new job, giving color exams at the Researchanist kiosk at local malls on weekends. However, for real help, please visit the Researchanist website where you can order many wonderful books and DVDs.
Goodbye to you, my beautiful readers. I have greatly enjoyed reading your questions and offering my humble advice. May you follow the Rites of the Great Kazuul and live a life of Gray.

Sincerely,
Jonathan Starshine

New Rutgers Review Article

Hey, blog readers out there. Zipperface!!?! went absolutely wonderfully the past two weekends. I can't begin to say how happy I am with it. So happy that, even though the show closed, it might not be the end of the good ol' Zip. I'll do a write up of the performances and everything sometime soon (probably around the same time I finally write my Europe entries...) but, until then, here's my most recent article in the Review. Not my best but whatever.

Dear Jon,
The summer’s coming up and I’ve gotten a really great internship. Unfortunately they’re not paying me anything and I need to get a real job as well. I’ve had a lot of crappy jobs in the past and I was looking for something more fulfilling this year. Any ideas?
Samantha, RC ‘10

Ah, the summer job; they’re the perfect way to spend your break working hard to pay for the thing you’re breaking from.
Last year, I had an incredibly fulfilling summer job. I worked at an old folks home and there was just something really special about helping out these senior citizens and listening to all the wisdom they had tom impart. Unfortunately, I got that job more by court order than by application, so it’s really not going to help you.
All of my other jobs were absolutely terrible and soul crushing but I’ll tell you about them anyway. Because that’s how healing happens.
You could always be a camp counselor. Guiding children through their formative years can be fulfilling. Persuading the counselor of girl’s bunk 3 to give you a hand job in a canoe can be even more fulfilling. However, camp counselors get paid absolute jack. I know when I worked at a Jewish day camp, my bosses paid me nothing. And you know why that was…
Because the economy was bad.
Working in a restaurant will get you paid more but it will also lead to you working horrible hours and getting yelled at nonstop by douche bags. NOTE TO RESTAURANT-GOERS OF THE WORLD: someone is bringing you your food does not make you royalty of some kind. It just makes you a fat asshole at a Macaroni Grill who feels the need to make my life a living hell just because the wait took five fucking minutes longer than we said and who needs to choke to death while eating his stupid fucking Create-Your-Own Pasta.
I’m sorry to tell you this, but the only way you can make money and help an appreciative clientele, is to become a drug dealer. Aside from the legal qualms, it’s the most fulfilling job around. And all the cash is under the table!
On that note, if anyone’s looking for an eighth of a “product” that “lasts” about four to six hours and rhymes with “push brooms”, give me a call.

Hey, reader! Has life gotten you down? Is there some little thing eating at the back of your mind in the middle of the night? Would you like to publish your problems in a public forum so that you can get advice from a complete stranger? Then write to Ask Jon at advicejon@gmail.com
He’ll fix your shit!

Special Valentines Day Rutgers Review Article!

For the past semester, I've been writing a regular advice column for the Rutgers Review along with drawing the occasional cartoon.

Unfortunately, the Review has about the same readership as this blog (basically, I read it and that's it) so I'm going to start posting my articles up here as well in the hope's that someone might actually look at them and because it's an easy way to fill space.

The latest article (to appear in this week's issue) is another installment of Advice by Jon, my advice column. This week, "Jon" (who's opinions usually don't actually connect with the real Jon writing them) helps a poor soul who's alone on Valentines Day. Enjoy!

Advice by Jon

Dear Jon,
It’s Valentines Day again and I’m single…again. How can I fix this?
Glen, RC ‘08

Ah, Valentines Day; the deadly black mark weighing down the calendars of many, many single students. It’s kind of like seasonal allergies. Every year you hope it doesn’t come but, every year, there it is and you’re forced to take a bunch of pills until it goes away.

Most people think Valentines Day is the most romantic holiday of the year. This is wrong. A real romantic holiday is something like New Years or Halloween where people are festive and partying and new romance can bloom. There’s no new romance on Valentines Day. It’s just a day for old couples to lord it over single people so that they can pretend to feel good about only being allowed to screw one person. And thus, everyone else gets to feel depressed.

I, on the other hand, never get depressed. That’s probably because I get with mad ladies (like literally though, angry women). And if I don’t have a special lady at the moment, I just wait for one of my single ex-girlfriends to get depressed about their Valentinelessness and call me up to arrange a time to “talk” and “catch up”*.

But what can you do, Glen, to solve your mid-February depression. Easy! Take those lemons and make some sweet lemonade (preferably pink lemonade to be holiday appropriate). What do I mean? Use the depression to your advantage!

Just think, for every depressed single guy out there this Valentines Day, there’s also a depressed single girl. You just need to get these depressed single people together. And how do you do that? Throw a party! You can call it the “Screw Valentines Day (and Possibly Someone Else As Well) Party”! Sure, the next morning, that house will be filled with more regrets than the post-Super Bowl Patriots locker room, but you’ll be feeling good. Just remember these magic words: “I’ve got an early class” and you’ll be fine. Take that, Cupid!

So there you have it, Glen; the surefire way to have a great Valentines Day while still being single. But, next year, try not to get in this mess again. You know that pretty girl in your Psyche class you’re always talking to. Ask her out. Like really ask her out. Nothing’s gonna happen unless you do. I just don’t think your thinly veiled flirtations over text messages are getting the point across. Sorry.

*In this case, “talk” stands for “sex” and “catch up” stands for “a specific type of sex they probably wouldn’t have done when we were actually dating”.


Hey, reader! Has life gotten you down? Is there some little thing eating at the back of your mind in the middle of the night? Would you like to publish your problems in a public forum so that you can get advice from a complete stranger? Then write to Advice by Jon at advicejon@gmail.com
He’ll fix your shit!